Today's work out: 60 mins of yoga, 15 mins of treadmill (a couple 2 minute runs).
I crossed an important threshold today - the 20 lbs mark. Hard to believe that three months ago I had an extra stone and a half around my neck (and my waist, and arms and thighs). The meeting was emotional when the leader asked me what habit changes I had made. Well, I said, I never thought I was an emotional eater. Only when I got really honest with myself and realized how psychologically tied to food I was, could I start making changes. In the meeting today we ate a snack-sized candy and were asked to express our feelings and sensory perceptions about the chocolate as we slowly ate it. Sure, it smelled good, it tasted good, it looked good, but what shocked me was that I had no emotional reaction to it whatsoever. Not good, not bad - it's just food and not the best choice for those 1.5 points. I felt like singing because I truly feel that food is starting to lose its power over me.
My Mom talks a lot about being deprived - about wanting a waffle but only being allowed to eat toast. Or wanting the chocolate but only being allowed fruit. What is remarkable to me is that my feelings of deprivation are almost completely non-existent. I am changing the way I view food and what makes me happy and gives me satisfaction so that I am changing my very wants.
Kate Moss once said, and she was severely maligned for saying this, that "nothing tastes as good as being skinny." And while the skinny she talks about might be a crazy, unreal skinny, I think she was on to something. Because, in the end, that is the choice that I am making. Do I want the four slices or pizza now (instantaneous gratification) or the number on the scale to keep getting lower (long term gratification). Losing weight, feeling better, being proud of myself, these are all long-lasting, long-term things that just can't even be equated with the small, brief, fleeting pleasure of eating four pieces of pizza.
What a hard lesson to learn. How long has it taken me? When I think of all of the mindless, thoughtless, boredom induced snack sessions I am appalled at myself. But, regrets are not helpful. I am changing my attitude now and that is what is going to get me to my goal.
I re-set my goal today, 185, that would put me in the non-obese category. I don't remember when I was last 185. What a great day that will be!
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